life is transitory

so yesterday i attended the funeral of kelda's god-grandma. we woke up at 7ish and rushed out cuz we were late, according to my mum. when we finally reached that void deck in bedok, it was quiet and empty. very few people were around.

we paid our respects and settled down at a table. while my mum chattered away with her friends present and eating peanuts in between bits of conversation, i took out my magazine and started to read. but not long after, i decided to sleep since i was really tired and nothing seemed to be happening anyway. at after 12ish, the rites took place. and after that we headed for the mandai crematorium and columbarium. it was a damn long ride again so i took a nap once again.

when i woke up, we were there already. the place was really scenic and peaceful... it emanates a sense of serenity and tranquility and it was as if time had stopped when we reached there. we went into the holding area, where the monk was chanting away in front of the coffin. the coffin was moved out to be cremated and we headed out to the viewing hall. everything's computerised and operated using machines, mechanisms and all. it gives a cold feeling to me, and i dont like that one bit. like once you're dead, you're dead. and the machines don't give a damn about how you're being handled.

we filled up the viewing hall, where auntie shirley's close family members were sobbing right in front. when the coffin was in view, they started crying louder. "mummy, i'm sorry", "come back home ok?" were phrases i could make out of all the cryings.

at that instant, i was reminded of my grandpaps. he was a sweet old soul, always spoiling me when i was a kid. always saving me from getting beaten up by my mum for my mischievous behaviour, always allowing me to play in the rain as we walked back home from kindergarten school, always so willing to give me piggyback rides when i wanted one, always bringing me for morning walks and after that we would have our breakfast at the nearby coffeeshop and i would always help stir the coffee for my granny and him. but one fine day when we ordered KFC delivery for lunch for the family, he passed away after a heart attack, i suppose. i was too young then. but i knew i loved him dearly and couldn't bear the thought of him not being around me anymore.

i remembered i was crying uncontrollably on the day of his burial. i cried till my eyes were swollen and my nose were red, till i felt faint. my heart hurt at the thought of coming back home after school without my grandpa waiting for me. and it was then i was reminded of the pain and grief that godma's family is going through right at the moment.

the coffin slowly made its way to the mouth of licking flames. and their sobbings turned into wailings and it was infectious. mummy loo's tears flowed freely as she struggled to control them. tears sprang to my eyes at the thought of their pain, but i would not let them drop because it was improper and selfish. it was meant for my grandpa because i was emotional as i thought of him and not the old lady in the coffin whom i was not personally close to. the gates opened and the whole coffin was pushed in. their wailings got hysterical.. the sight of it for the family members must be too traumatic for them to take...

maybe it was there and then i stopped being emotionally close to anyone after losing the most important man (my granddad that is) in my life. i distanced myself, so no one could hurt me, even when they leave me. i would feel no hurt, no pain, because they never had a place in my heart.