=)

been back from bkk trip. it was fruitful, it was enriching, it was fun, it was enjoyable and i loved every moment i spent in that city. i greedily took in the sights of the city and i enjoyed the simple and slow pace of life the country offered. i just couldn't sleep whenever i was on the coach. all i did was to stare out of the window and take in whatever meets my eye.

i like how warm and friendly the people are. i like the night markets that we visited during our trip there, of cuz being able to bargain makes our purchases even sweeter. thailand really whet my appetite and im glad i've regained my hearty appetite which i've lost over the past few months. i made a silent pact with myself that while i was in thailand, i'd eat what they eat.. be adventurous, try something that wasn't available in singapore. i loved eating at their roadside stalls, drinking their milk tea [really my cup of tea], sprinkling generous amounts of chilli flakes and drizzling fish sauce on the fishball noodles and eating prata drizzled with sweetened condensed milk on it.i'll always remember the distinct smell of the old school skincare product hazeline [which our parents and grandparents prolly use to keep their skin smooth, fair and supple] which greeted us when we first boarded the coach in thailand.

i've picked up some thai [hahaha!! now i can scold people in a nice way and they wouldn't even know im scolding them MUAHAHAHA] after my 6 days with the Bangkok University cheerleaders, and I'm really glad i got to know them better this year and i really look forward to seeing them in singapore. i would gladly invite them over to home-stay at my house and take them around singapore... :) and i really see their enthusiasm and i really enjoyed watching them enjoy themselves at the dinner. :) they were singing, dancing, and just having oodles of fun! :) they are just so... friendly.. open... carefree... all that i'm really not.i missed them, really and i wish i could turn back time and stay there for a longer period of time.. because coming back to singapore is significant for me; it simply means "welcome back to reality" for me.

for pictures please click here

busybusy days

been really busy these days. specialist project meetings, trainings, rehearsal for performances, performances, yadayada. next up, we're going to BKK soon! :) perhaps i can cast away all burdens for a while and enjoy myself, doing what i like to do.

met up with robin, it was great seeing him after sucha long time. :) headed down to holland village's tcc and settled our dinner there. it was kinda awkward at first cuz we haven't seen each other for a long time and there were so much to say yet we just didnt know where to start! :) but once we started, it was as if we both had verbal diarrheoa. hahaha! it's hard to find a friend whom you can really bare your heart and soul to. i finally understand what it meant when people say you'll only allow yourself to be at your weakest when you are around the people who matters the most to you. i think i've found one of the people who really matters to me in my life. :)

went to this shophouse at little india area for bouldering with juleen, kenny, yy and yy's sister and her boyfriend. it was really quite an eye-opener for me because i've never tried it before! put on their shoes and headed upstairs and tried. watched people climbing, and thought it was easy... they looked so damn slack and graceful, like damn pro like that lah. it is definitely not as easy as it seems.. damn tiring on my arms! it was all fun, until i fell and sprained my ankle. OUCH. =( then i stopped all activities and carried out 'eye-powering'.

went with the performing group to toyota's motor skills contest performance. after that, we headed for pastamania before going to PS.. Dion got me and grace each a pooh bear at the arcade at no cost!! *LOL* he just shook the machine damn violently and the bears just dropped out. not much people were around to witness it, but those who witness the crime just stood there and their mouths gapping in shock. LOL we just took the bear and fleeeeeeeeee! went to the XBOX place and played games.. laughed till my tummy ached man.. haha! new-found pastime that all of us can indulge in! 6 dollars per hour at the movie room, unlimited number of games! :D and all can play~ or at least 4 at a time lah. :)

meetings with SP group's like twice a week now... =( i feel like i dont have time for myself.. SP's eating into my precious holidays which i worked so badly for last sem. it was meant for me to savour every moment of bumming around. but sigh, looks like its kinda impossible now. what have i gotten myself into? facing the firing squad tomorrow. tell me im lousy, tell me i dont make the cut. i think i'll be happier with advanced PR for now. *hrmpf*

jialat, haven't started packing for my trip. #$^&*! no time no time no time!!

when im sad...

when i feel like im losing myself
when i feel so tired and just wanna drop everything down and cry to a corner to cry

i reach out to the little prince book, read through the pages, looking for an answer to make me feel better... to help me get rid of the limited, jaded perspectives that i've gained as i've lost my childhood innocence.

life is transitory

so yesterday i attended the funeral of kelda's god-grandma. we woke up at 7ish and rushed out cuz we were late, according to my mum. when we finally reached that void deck in bedok, it was quiet and empty. very few people were around.

we paid our respects and settled down at a table. while my mum chattered away with her friends present and eating peanuts in between bits of conversation, i took out my magazine and started to read. but not long after, i decided to sleep since i was really tired and nothing seemed to be happening anyway. at after 12ish, the rites took place. and after that we headed for the mandai crematorium and columbarium. it was a damn long ride again so i took a nap once again.

when i woke up, we were there already. the place was really scenic and peaceful... it emanates a sense of serenity and tranquility and it was as if time had stopped when we reached there. we went into the holding area, where the monk was chanting away in front of the coffin. the coffin was moved out to be cremated and we headed out to the viewing hall. everything's computerised and operated using machines, mechanisms and all. it gives a cold feeling to me, and i dont like that one bit. like once you're dead, you're dead. and the machines don't give a damn about how you're being handled.

we filled up the viewing hall, where auntie shirley's close family members were sobbing right in front. when the coffin was in view, they started crying louder. "mummy, i'm sorry", "come back home ok?" were phrases i could make out of all the cryings.

at that instant, i was reminded of my grandpaps. he was a sweet old soul, always spoiling me when i was a kid. always saving me from getting beaten up by my mum for my mischievous behaviour, always allowing me to play in the rain as we walked back home from kindergarten school, always so willing to give me piggyback rides when i wanted one, always bringing me for morning walks and after that we would have our breakfast at the nearby coffeeshop and i would always help stir the coffee for my granny and him. but one fine day when we ordered KFC delivery for lunch for the family, he passed away after a heart attack, i suppose. i was too young then. but i knew i loved him dearly and couldn't bear the thought of him not being around me anymore.

i remembered i was crying uncontrollably on the day of his burial. i cried till my eyes were swollen and my nose were red, till i felt faint. my heart hurt at the thought of coming back home after school without my grandpa waiting for me. and it was then i was reminded of the pain and grief that godma's family is going through right at the moment.

the coffin slowly made its way to the mouth of licking flames. and their sobbings turned into wailings and it was infectious. mummy loo's tears flowed freely as she struggled to control them. tears sprang to my eyes at the thought of their pain, but i would not let them drop because it was improper and selfish. it was meant for my grandpa because i was emotional as i thought of him and not the old lady in the coffin whom i was not personally close to. the gates opened and the whole coffin was pushed in. their wailings got hysterical.. the sight of it for the family members must be too traumatic for them to take...

maybe it was there and then i stopped being emotionally close to anyone after losing the most important man (my granddad that is) in my life. i distanced myself, so no one could hurt me, even when they leave me. i would feel no hurt, no pain, because they never had a place in my heart.

should i... should i not?

andrew asked if i'm interested in taking up the PITCH 05/06 as an SP.
i'm in a dilemma. a stress-free semester, with only magnum to fret about... or a busy one, with the satisfaction coming in as an AD on my transcript if this SP is executed smoothly.

choices, choices, choices. which route should i take?
andrew is practically SELLING the SP to me.

of heartbreak

it was painful, it hurt.
i'm supposed to be asleep, getting my 9 hours but something woke me up. could be the sudden chill in my room due to the heavy rain, could be the earache i'm getting, could be the puffy eyes, could be anything.

i feel like im ripped apart. through and through. despite i was the one who wanted a break-up, despite it was me who wanted to be single. it wasn't as easy as i thought it would be. i thought i would be strong enough to endure the pain, but i guess i'm not. i thought i wouldn't cry, i thought wrong.

i let go of someone who truly loved me with all his heart. i crushed him by not returning the same feelings & affection he deserve to receive.


all because i didn't know how to let him into my heart again and love once again like i used to.

responsibility, my dear, responsibility

i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

make that x 1, 000, 000 times.

*fuming*
i hate it when i set a time for all to arrive for rehearsal/ performances, and then one fella strolls in late, with no sign of remorse that she/he's late at all. i dont understand why the rest can follow instructions as set, but she/he cant.

people come in at 2:30pm on the dot - i like.
people come in 10-15 mins after the set time - i can accept it
people come in 20-25 mins late - i can still muster a smile and accept it grudingly

but HELLO, if you're late for more than an hour, i'm really at a loss for how to react.

i was in the toilet in TTSH where i bumped into that slit-eye female organiser, cherry or something. then she was asking if everyone's here already and stuff like that. all i could choke out was, "i'm really sorry, we are still one member short. i'm really sorry that some members aren't responsible enough to be on time."

thank god the performance wasn't too bad... because the organisers gave me a feeling that we weren't as good as we make ourselves appear during the rehearsals... stunts fell while practising and all... but hey, we are only human yeah?

then today, she was late again. #$^~*!#~@! not that i never asked if they needed morning call or anything hor. i called some of them [jenn, justin and alan] before i decided to sms all of them to get them to sms me back so i would know that they are on the way out already and wont be late. i tried my darnest best to make sure everyone will reach at 9:30am at balestier special school for the performance ya. if alan, jessie, roc, justin and grace could, why can't she do it? *sheeesh* i'm really upset and disappointed at the lack of responsibility shown by her.

your latecoming doesn't only affect you, yourself only. it affects us, the team and the team's reputation. it reflects badly on us alright. imagine how the organiser will think of us if we give them heart attacks by saying, "sorry not all our members are here yet" just 5 mins before showtime. unreliable, ill-disciplined, yadayada i dont wanna carry on.

if you cant be responsible and disciplined enough to be trusted to be punctual, then i dont think you should be given chances after chances to perform at all. remember, responsibility, my dear. responsibility.